


Drastic Measures

by Ralemalt



Series: Domestic Bliss [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Adult themed dancing?, M/M, Paramedic!Fili, Teacher!Kili, i tried.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-11 23:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9043313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ralemalt/pseuds/Ralemalt
Summary: Fast forward to Kili’s staff Christmas party where drastic times call for drastic measures.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A couple of people wanted to see 'something drastic happen at the Christmas party' from [A Source of Comfort](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8468341), and let's be honest. I wanted to write something drastic. I've been writing this since the beginning of December, but some of it has given me difficulty. I have editing it multiple times, but if there are any glaring mistakes please, please, please, let me know so I can fix them. (Thanks in advance!)
> 
> MERRY CHRISTMAS/HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE!!!

" _We've been called to a dire situation and it might take all night. Not sure if I'll be making your party babe. I'm sorry."_

Brown eyes stared at the text he'd just received, trying not to well up with the disappointment that rushed through him. He'd been so hopeful that Fili would be able to join him tonight. Kili sighed as he replied with a text of his own, carefully trying to conceal what he was really feeling through his words.

" _It's an emergency, honey. I understand! It's what I get for marrying a hero ;) But I still might decide to run off with one of the strippers._ "

The phone was slipped back into his pocket just as a bottle of beer was shoved in his face. "You looked like the saddest Santa.” The man motioned to the green Santa hat perched atop Kili’s head. “I've been looking for you for twenty minutes." Bard Bowen, one of Kili's coworkers but also long-time friend, said as he slipped onto the stool next to the brunet.

Their staff Christmas party had kind of turned into a larger gathering then expected seeing as how teachers from other schools were in attendance as well. An auditorium had been rented for the night where a bunch of different party games and activities had been set up, and luckily (or unluckily, Kili would decide which depending on how bad of a hangover he got tomorrow) there was alcohol. Dancers had been hired, though it had been made clear that it would not be a strip show because of certain licensing. The building came with a large stage at one end of the room with large heavy curtains and backdrops and wings people could hide in, a catwalk had been set up leading away from the stage.

Kili had kind of sequestered himself at the far end of the structure where he was mostly hidden. He hadn't noticed just how secluded the spot was until now. "Sorry." He accepted the bottle, "It wasn't on purpose. It was just the farthest spot from that damned kissing both." He mumbled before downing half the bottle in one go. He'd need it now that he knew Fili wasn't going to be joining him tonight.

Among the several activities for the staff to enjoy, a kissing booth had been one of them. It was a dollar a kiss and all the money went to buying toys for hospital bound children so they had something to enjoy for Christmas. It was a good cause, but Kili would have to find some other way to donate.

Bard gave Kili a questioning look before glancing toward the booth in question. The confusion on his face cleared up the moment he saw who was sitting behind the booth. "Ah, that makes sense now." He snickered quietly, "How many times has she asked you for a kiss?"

"Every time I walked by, which is why I'm not over there anymore. She said she’d even give me a discount."

The woman in question was Jamie Walker. She was one of the two chemistry teachers that taught alongside both men, Bard being the other. She was a lovely lady who was always friendly and ready with a smile. She cared about her students and went out of her way to help them whenever they needed it. Her classroom was also right across the hall from Kili’s English and creative writing class, so Kili saw a lot of her every day.

The problem with that was that Jamie had a massive crush on Kili and couldn’t seem to grasp that he wasn’t interested. He attempted to be nice about it, letting her down easy, but nothing seemed to work. She wasn’t a bad person, and Kili wasn’t trying to hurt her feelings, but he was growing frustrated with her attention. Even after he’d gotten married to a man and had even changed his last name, it hadn’t deterred her in the slightest.

"All that money's supposed to go to a charity of some sort. They should have chosen _you_ to sit behind and dish out all those kisses instead of Jamie." Bard teased.

Kili blanched at the very idea at being trapped behind a booth and forced to kiss anyone who paid for it. He knew Jamie would no doubt pay for multiple. "There's only one person I want my lips on, thank you very much." He took a large mouthful of his beer in hopes of washing the bad taste out of his mouth. "And it doesn’t look like he’s going to be here tonight." He complained.

Bard frowned, “What? I thought he was?”

"They got a call." Kili sighed again, running his hand through his hair before remembering that he was wearing the Santa hat. It was a rule upon attending: everyone had to wear a Christmas hat of some sort and a Christmas sweater or shirt, the uglier the better. While Kili had swiped one of Fili’s most prized shirts – Jack Skellington dressed up as Sandy Claws – Bard had chosen antlers that jingled and would definitely win the prize for ugliest sweater with the red and green monstrosity he’d worn tonight. The sight managed to make Kili grin internally. "I'm a horrible person, Bard. My husband is out saving people and I just want him here." He frowned at himself, feeling guilty for that thought.

Fili was a paramedic, and Kili couldn’t have been prouder of him. Normally the brunet had no issue with their different schedules because his husband would work all kinds of different shifts while Kili’s stayed the same. But he’d barely seen Fili during the last few weeks and it was beginning to get to him. Christmas had just felt rather dull to him this year, and he’d really been looking forward to just relaxing at his staff party.

Christmas was just Kili’s _thing_ and for him not to be excited about it was just wrong.

The brunet had always loved Christmas and was one of those people who started celebrating in November and liked to decorate their entire home. Fili had not been prepared when he’d found out he was dating a Christmas fiend.

After moving in together nothing had changed, but Kili had been a little worried that his Christmas spirit was too much for the actual Halloween baby he’d discovered _he_ was dating. Fili’s idea of Christmas was watching The Nightmare Before Christmas at least once a week, and you better believe his favourite shirt around the holidays was the shirt Kili had worn to the party. Fili had only laughed when he'd mentioned it, and then told Kili that coming home after a long and tiring shift to a warm apartment, a seemingly endless supply of Christmas baking, and Kili's infectious smile made the turmoil of the day worth it.

_"I just like seeing you happy."_

Yeah, Kili might have fallen irreversibly in love at that moment. (He’d also educated Fili on actual Christmas films, thank you very much. Even if he did have to endure Jack Skellington completely destroying his favourite holiday twice a year.)

Bard chuckled as he took his own drink. "That hardly makes you a horrible person. You're still in your honeymoon stage, and you're both disgustingly gone on each other." He glanced around at the people mingling. "Plus your fan club has been pawing at you all evening, so I can understand why you'd want your strong and hunky shield here with you." He smirked around the lip of his bottle.

Kili snorted but it soon turned into laughter at the fact that Bard of all people had just called Fili 'hunky'. When the laughter subsided, the brunet was feeling a little flushed, but his disappointment had been replaced. He didn’t want to let the fact that Fili wasn’t there to enjoy the evening with him ruin it. Christmas was his favourite time of the year and he really got along well with most of his coworkers, so he knew Fili would want him to enjoy himself. "I don’t need a shield, no matter how _hunky_ he is.” He decided.

Bard scoffed and looked mournfully at his empty bottle, obviously in need of another one, "I’d distract them if I could, but they’re not interested in me. Not that’d I’m at all interested either since we have to work with these women, but you're married to another man and they _still_ flirt with you." He huffed and grumbled into his bottle as he got the last dribble, "God, you lead a charmed life."

Kili snickered and nudged Bard's arm, "Not even close!" If he led a charmed life, Kili liked to think things would go his way a lot more.

"You managed to talk the paramedic saving your life into going on a date with you while you were bleeding to death in his ambulance." Bard pointed out dryly.

Kili snorted so hard in surprise that beer went up his nose, "You say 'bleeding to death' so casually. He felt sorry for me and probably didn't think I'd survive long enough to follow through."

The incident hadn't quite been as bad as it sounded. There had been a lot of blood and a lot of fear, but the injury hadn't been fatal. It had just hurt a lot. Of course at the time, Kili had thought it was the end.

“Please. You had his hands down your pants within the first ten minutes of meeting him.”

It took everything Kili had not to toss his now empty bottle at his smirking friend even as his face heated up at the memory, “He had to cut them off to stop the bleeding!”

It had been the last time anyone had ever asked Kili to help with construction of any kind. He’d been on top of his mother’s shed, helping his uncle replace some of the shingles that had begun to leak. He’d stepped too far and had fallen off the roof, managing to land on the knife he’d been using to trim the shingles they’d been replacing. He’d sprained his wrist and garnered a lot of bruises in the fall, but the knife in his leg had been the main issue.

Kili pretended to glower, “You have obviously been hanging around Fili too much. He loves telling people how he got into my pants so quickly.”

Bard smirked rather wickedly as he turned to Kili, “I’m also privy to the fact that it took you twenty minutes to get him completely out of his pants on the first date. You two work fast.”

It took Kili a moment to understand what Bard was talking about because it certainly took more time than that since neither had wanted to rush anything. When realization dawned on him, his face heated up a little, “That’s only because I was a klutz and spilled a hot drink on him! It was strip out of his pants or suffer third degree burns.” He mumbled, still embarrassed by the memory.

“ _Was_ a klutz?” His horrible friend mentioned.

“I thought you came over here to cheer me up, not make fun of me.” Kili huffed but couldn’t keep the smile threatening to break out completely hidden.

Bard grinned rather cheekily before he shook his head, “I came over here for multiple reasons, but making fun of you was on the top of my list.” He practically cackled, antlers jingling as he moved his head.

“Sometimes you’re a horrible friend.”

“No, I am an awesome friend willing to ply you with as much alcohol as you want tonight because I’m not the one that’s going to have to take care of you later!” Bard insisted as he nudged Kili’s arm and slid off his own stool, “Besides, Arwen was looking for you and I told her I’d locate your sad Santa ass.” Bard shrugged a shoulder and grabbed his empty bottle.  

Kili felt a little confuse. Arwen was the art and drama teacher and one of Kili’s closest friends. She was someone who deflected a lot of Jamie’s attention when at work and someone who could drink both Kili and Bard under the table when they went out for the night. She was sweet and ruthless all in one, and if Kili had had any inclination toward women, he could have seen himself easily falling for her.

Luckily Kili was perpetually gay and both he and Arwen were happily married to other people. None of that cleared up his confusion as to why she was looking for him.

“Why was Arwen looking for me?” He asked when Bard nudged him off his stool.

“Because she wanted to see you? Hell, I don’t know.” Bard scoffed as he grabbed Kili’s elbow and used a little more force to get him moving. “She’s one of the main planners of this little party. Maybe she wants you to join the strippers.” The man sounded altogether too pleased with that idea. He probably had a camera hidden in that ugly sweater.

Kili only snorted and narrowed his eyes, “Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

Bard winked, “I figured seeing you in nothing but a skimpy pair of underwear would overload Jamie’s mind. Maybe she’d faint at your awesomeness or something and we could toss her into a different room. We could enjoy ourselves more.” He laughed maniacally.

Kili had to admit the idea made him smile, “I’m not drunk enough to dance, sorry!”

“Well that’s easily fixed. There’s a bar right there.”

“I’m not going on that stage.” Kili insisted before spotting Arwen talking to the man handling the alcohol as she stood at said bar. She stood out in her bright red Mrs. Claus dress and matching hat. The white fluff on the dress and hat stood out against her black hair.

She turned as the two men approached and a smile lit up her face, “There you are!” She closed the distance and kissed Kili’s cheek. They all heard the annoyed stound that came from the kissing both close by, and they all ignored it.

“Bard said you were looking for me.” Kili prompted with a grin, knowing she’d done that on purpose.

“I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t snuck out.” Arwen shrugged before frowning, “Where’s the other half of your fantastically handsome duo?”

Kili immediately felt the disappointment from earlier, but it was much more manageable this time and he even managed a slight smile, “You know how emergency calls go.” He shrugged.

She knew all too well since her own husband was a member of the local firehouse. “I’m sorry to hear that, Kili.” She hummed before smiling again, “But we’ll make sure you have fun.” There was something about her smile that tickled the back of Kili’s brain and automatically made him suspicious. “Bard, be a sweetheart and get this man another beer or two. The show starts in a bit and I have a few more things to take care of before then.”

“Yes ma’am!” Bard saluted her before heading to the bar and made good on his promise to ply Kili with as much alcohol as he wanted.

By the time Arwen came back for them, Kili was that perfect level of drunk that he could still walk straight and might not wake up with a hangover in the morning. When his hand was taken, he happily allowed Arwen to guide him toward the stage so that they could get good seats.

Good seats were apparently right at the end of the cat walk, and Arwen practically forced Kili into the middle stool. Another beer was shoved into Kili’s hand and Bard commandeered the stool to his right.

“Eager to watch a bunch of men take off their clothes?” Kili couldn’t help but tease.

He got an elbow in his ribs for his troubles because clearly Bard was just as drunk as he was. “I’m sitting here so I can make sure you behave yourself.” Bard laughed, “I’ve gotta make sure you uphold your wedding vows.”

“Ah, you’re a true friend.” Kili snickered as they clinked their bottles together before downing half each.

“Can I have everybody’s attention?” Arwen’s voice came through the speakers in the ceiling and from next to Kili where she was holding a mic. He helped her onto the stage when she attempted to do it herself and almost fell. “Thank you guys for coming out tonight. You having a good time?” She asked.

Everyone had begun to find places to get a good show and they all cheered loudly.

Arwen grinned, “Awesome! I bet you ladies have been excited about the main event, and the gentlemen too.”

As one of the few males there, Bard let out a loud whoop causing those who knew him to laugh.

“We want to make sure that everyone continues to have a good time, so that means there are some rules.” This was followed by groans, “Hey now, we want to make sure you and the dancers stay safe, so there will be no grabbing, no pulling off the stage. If a dancer pulls you on, be careful you don’t fall off. Don’t tug at clothing. This is sadly a strictly PG-17 event so the dancers can’t strip down completely.” This was followed by booing, “Yeah, yeah. Suck it up. Lastly, no harassing the dancers. These wonderful men have volunteered for this show, and we will make sure they enjoy themselves just as much as we do. Now, ladies and gentlemen, May I present the Riverside Firefighting Reindeers!” Arwen climbed off the stage with the help of Kili and Bard just as what sounded like a fire alarm blasted through the speakers.

Hearing firefighters, Kili had to practically press his mouth to Arwen’s ear, “You got Aragorn to volunteer for this, didn’t you?” He yelled.

She turned and gave him a devious smirk, “Did I say _volunteered_? I might have meant _manipulated_.”

Kili could only laugh as he turned back to the stage, just in time to see a bunch of fully dressed firemen come out of the wings of the stage in perfect sync with each other. Four came from the left and four came from the right, and each set held what looked like a firehose. Their uniforms were obviously costumes but each one wore antlers with bells on them that practically matched what Bard was wearing. They froze on the stage for only a moment until the siren shifted into a techno version of what Kili thought to be Jingle Bells. The eight men moved in formation along the stage, hips rolling and asses shaking which only made the screaming and laughing from around the room louder and louder with every new move.

Kili was one of the laughing ones, laughing hysterically as he leaned heavily against Bard because he recognized Aragorn out of the group. His dancing skills were actually quite impressive, but still funny all the same.

They all stood straight, legs spread just a bit before each and every one of the men began to unbutton their jackets. The girls went wild at the first sign of flesh, and a bunch of them jumped out of their seats to get closer to the stage when the jackets were taken off to reveal thin muscle shirts underneath. Most jackets were just tossed into the audience and away from the stage, but Aragorn shed his and tossed it over Arwen’s shoulders.

Each firefighter was well built and muscular, and each one of them must have been showered with sparkles before coming out because their skin literally glistened under the lights.

Those thin shirts didn’t last very long and were literally ripped off not a moment later. The screaming and cheering grew even louder as more skin was revealed, and not even a few moments later, all the dancers turned their backs on their audience in unison, and suddenly ripped off their pants. This move revealed the fact that they were all wearing tight and rather skimpy green underwear.

And stamped across the ass of each pair in fancy sparkly print were the eight names of Santa’s reindeer.

This caused a barrage of loud whistling and cheers all throughout the room, and the _reindeer_ seemed to feed on the energy of the crowd.

Kili noticed movement from back on the stage just as sleigh bells were added over the music filling the room, and he realized there was one more man just coming out. Instead of a reindeer, however, this man was dressed up just like jolly Saint Nick with shiny black boots, red pants and a matching coat that was reminiscent of Arwen’s dress. He was wearing a red hat and had a big fluffy beard that completely covered his face.

He made his way down the center of the catwalk, walking normally amid the dancers and stopping to wave at the crowd and hand out candy canes of all things to the women closest to the edge. He stopped when he reached the end of the catwalk, standing directly in front of Kili and his friends, and the man knelt down and handed Bard a candy cane before straightening up.

The music seemed to be tied with his movements because just as he straightened completely, it paused for just a moment. A rather dirty version of _Here Comes Santa Claus_ seemed to be this man’s theme song for the evening as he began to dance in time with the reindeer.

That large coat was shed just as the firemen’s before. Instead of just tossing it wherever, Kili found himself to be the recipient of the surprisingly heavy material as it was slipped over his shoulders. This man wasn’t wearing one of those white shirts but suspenders holding up his pants instead. He was just as built as the others, and Kili couldn’t help his staring.

Especially as those suspenders were pulled off one at a time and the man turned his back to the audience to tear his own pants off. Santa’s shiny black boots were apparently knee highs, and he wore underwear that matched the same red as the rest of his outfit. Across that rather delicious looking ass _Santa_ was scrawled in the same fancy print as the rest of the reindeer.

Now that the entire group was there, it seemed that it was time for the dancers to really get down to business. Santa, flanked by Blitzen (Aragorn) and Vixen (Kili didn’t know the man’s actual name) all dropped to their knees and preformed a hip rolling move that actually made Kili’s drunken mind screech to a halt.

Mesmerized by what Saint Nick’s thighs and hips were doing – not exactly a thing Kili ever thought he’d be mesmerized by – the brunet didn’t notice what the rest of the reindeer were doing until each of his arms was gripped by Blitzen and Vixen and suddenly _Kili was on the fucking stage_.

It was a very confusion few seconds before he found himself guided to a chair that had been brought onto the center of the stage, and Kili was thankful for it because his knees were about to give out if he didn’t sit down. He landed a little gracelessly thanks to the alcohol and surprise, but Blitzen stayed until he was stable enough to sit up on his own before going back to dancing with the other reindeer.

It appeared that Kili had caught Santa’s eye because the man was steady crawling across the floor toward him in such a predatory manner that it made Kili’s mouth go dry and his heart to quicken. And just like that, he found himself with a lap full of Santa Claus while the man straddled his legs and continued _grinding_ against him, strong thighs holding most of the guy’s weight up as he rolled his hips right in Kili’s face.

Santa’s speedo left little to the imagination and good god, the man was huge everywhere.

Kili felt himself flush a little as he felt himself respond to Santa’s brushes and touches against him. He really couldn’t help it and hoped the guy didn’t freak out if he noticed anything. God, Kili hoped Fili would be home when he got back because wow he was going to need some attention after this party.

The music stopped as did the dancers, their set apparently finished. Kili was given a very nice close up view of Santa’s very perky bottom for a few extra seconds before everyone was moving again. The crowd around cheered and there was definitely some bills being thrown on the stage.

Blitzen came over and grinned widely at Kili, winking at him as a hand ruffled the brunet locks. “It was Arwen’s idea; remember that through your hangover tomorrow morning.” He laughed before he and Santa bumped fists. They actually bumped fists.

Kili was still a little dazed from the dance and the loud music and being pulled up into the center of so much activity without warning. Aragorn walked away and back toward Arwen before Kili could reply, but that was okay, because he was suddenly aware of Santa moving toward him once more, and before Kili could protest or accept – his mind was still _gone_ – he once more had a lap full of a very sweaty and warm Kris Kringle.

“I…uh…” Kili decided to blame is articulate response on the alcohol and not the fact that he had a hot man who was not his husband sitting in his lap. “Shouldn’t I be the one sitting in Santa’s lap?”

Somehow Kili could tell Santa was smirking behind that cotton beard of his. “I received a wish for ‘ _something drastic at the next Christmas party’_ a couple of months ago. I hope this is drastic enough for you.”

Kili’s entire being stopped moving as he gaped up at Father Christmas because how the hell did he know that—

And suddenly Kili realized the eyes glinting down at him were _familiar_ and so was the entire _body_ straddling him. “Fili?” He managed to croak in his shock.

Santa tilted his head almost coyly even as his arms came up and locked behind Kili’s head, “Still feel like running away with one of the dancers? I got a place nearby.”

Relaxing under the familiar weight, it was Kili’s turn to smirk up at the other. “I don’t know. I’m a married man.” His hands slid up though sweaty thighs until he could grip Fili’s hips. Now that Kili knew who was under that beard, he took his time studying the practically naked form. “Though my husband has certainly never danced like that for me before. I wonder why.” He hummed thoughtfully to himself.

“Maybe your husband has been taking secret lessons the last couple of weeks so that he could dance for you tonight.” Santa suggested, practically peacocking under Kili’s gaze.

“My husband had a dire situation to take care of tonight.” Kili narrowed his eyes.

“Is this not a dire situation?” Santa asked innocently before his eyes flicked toward their left and back to Kili again. He straightened just a little. “And it’s about to be even worse. I think I should kiss you right about now.” He decided.

“You want me to cheat on my husband?”

Santa pointed up and Kili followed with his eyes. There was bloody mistletoe hanging from one of the lights. “If you need an excuse, there it is.” He could hear Santa’s amusement and see those blue eyes sparkling with unconcealed mischief and lust even as the man descended.

Kili was used to Fili’s neatly trimmed facial hair, but Santa’s beard tickled something awful. He made a face and pulled away long enough to rip the stupid thing away, revealing Fili’s familiar smirk. “Oh don’t look so pleased with yourself.” He muttered in mock anger before grabbing a hold of Fili’s face with both hands and pulling him back into a kiss that would surely put both of them on the Naughty List next year.

The brunet barely registered the annoyed huff from their left and the sound of someone walking away, but he did register the wolf whistles and cheering of his name that were getting closer on their right.

“Kili Durin!” Arwen’s voice scolded him from where she was leaning against Aragorn. “What would your husband say about you kissing another man?” She teased.

Kili refused to pull away from the wonderfully teasing lips so his response was to point upward at the mistletoe.


End file.
